Faith, Hope, Love...

Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase.

Martin Luther King, Jr.

i heard an interview on BBC Radio with a guy (i missed his name) who survived the London subway bombing last year. He was saying (i'm paraphrasing) that going thru this thing and all the rehabilitation to heal his body & spirit was an amazing experience. When else do you get to see the daily milestones of your progress? Those little things that mark the changes in your life? Yesterday, he could not take a shower unassisted. Today he could. Yesterday he had a panic attack, today he didn't.

Going thru the illness that i had, i hated it. But i actually befriended it and i realize now that i gained a lot more from it than i lost. Much more. i gained a voice. i gain freedom from my fear of death. i gained a great teacher, Susun Weed. Getting sick made me leap in to the abyss and ask my husband to be my Master at last. So, i lost my spleen? What's that in the face of losing my fear of death? Not much of a sacrifice. Just a scar.

Sir and i have gone thru some major changes in the past 6 months. It's been hard - some of the hardest stuff we've ever faced. We both made some major mistakes in communication. Hearing that guy on the BBC today made me realize that if we didn't go thru all this crap together, i'd not get the chance to see the magic of each day as we rebuild and reconstruct and reconnect. Everyday, the 3 of us get a chance to build a family the way we  want it to be. Is it easy? Nope, i'm not saying that. Is it fun? Well, some of it is - a lot of it is not. This is giving me the chance to open myself up to the possibilities that the universe has to offer me. It's given me the opportunity to reach out to connect to others, when i would normally would not.

Will i gain a couple more scars? Probably. But i like my scars and my marks and the stories that i have of surviving my past, coming out stronger in the end. We're still at the point where we are still learning the dance steps and can see the little daily things we do for each other to make this work. There's sacrifice on all our parts. i strive to remain with an open heart and put aside my fear.

i'm just starting to see that staircase now.