she's back!

So... well.... Wow. Where did the time go? People who know me deeply
know that March is a really tough time for me. Yeah, i re-live some
deeply traumatic things from my childhood. i feel... well, i feel
regret sometimes at how bad shit was when i was growing up and the
things that happened to me. i feel anger at how absolutely rotten my
parents were. i feel deeply the loss of my first love. (Yes, You, Jack.
i'm talking about You!) But i as i relive the trauma drama that was my
childhood, i also feel so loved and respected and glad that things
turned out the way they did. If it wasn't for the struggle that i went
through, i wouldn't be the person that i am today. So, i am greatful,
in the end for all that i went through. i just wish, sometimes, with my
little girl heart, that it hadn't been so damn hard. (Thank you sp for checking up on me while i was hiding in my Cave of Self Pity for the past few weeks)



i've also been freaking out because it was looking like, due to the
title holder financial drain, that i wasn't going to get to go to my
Art retreat. i actually went so far as to try to cancel it but i missed
the cut off date. DOH! So, being that i'd already laid out a HUGE chunk
of cash for the classes and wasn't going to get that back - i made
alternate housing plans. i'll be doing the cheap ass hotel with a
kitchenette deal and bringing all of my own food with me for the trip.
The whole thing, which was becoming such a mass of anger in my heart,
has now become a personal challenge. i'll do the trip and i'm making it
my personal goal to spend not one dime other than on the gas to get
there and back. No bottled water, no purchased Starbucks coffee... no
candy, no vending machine junk. If i haven't brought it with me, then i
won't have it. It'll be...fun. Well, ok, maybe not fun but i know there
are people who aren't going to this retreat because they can't afford
the classes, never mind the outrageous hotel expense. i'm lucky enough
to have the cash to pay for the classes, who am i to whine about having
to stay off site in a not so fancy hotel?



In other news, the new friendship Master and i began at SPLF is going
along swimmingly. i really love these 2 generous and amazing people!
:-) my life is so full of JOY! ( and a spiffy East German uniform too!
*gloat!*)



And i've struck up a friendship with a person who worked at one of my
clients. Turns out, not only to be an amazing musician and artist and
all round good hearted and smart person but also lives super close to
my house now. Good. It's a good thing to have good peeps nearby. Very
good.



my other relationship...seems to be fizzling. Sigh. Damn. So cute. But
if you don't return calls then i'm not chasing you. i'm actually not
mad or annoyed. Just sad about it and perhaps a bit worried. i hope
they didn't fall off the roof deck at work. (maybe one of the boys can
check that out for me on Thursday? *grin*) It's a shame. This person
would have really enjoyed me in my new uniform. Now they'll just get to
look and not touch. (oops, there i go, gloating again!)



OK, that's enough typing for now. i gotta do some work and then get ready to head off to San Diego this weekend!