This Morning

*rustle rustle* open one eye... What's that noise? Oh NO! ... And before i can cringe one of the dogs jumped off the bed and right on to my calf. Ever been punched in the calf while you're sleeping? No? Well, good - for your sake, i hope you keep it that way. Let's not forget how big these dog feet are!
It hurt so bad that i was up and awake at 5:30, wandering the house , naked but for my slave jammies. i made a cup of tea and did some reading... Sir got up a bit later and released me and then i started on my day. (After we had some sexy morning activities)
What did i do before i went to work?
Let's see... i finished a purse that i've been working on for weeks. i made a kickin' batch of vegan mac & cheese, which i had for lunch and it was very yummy. i rescued a baby praying mantis from the hot stove (again! He keeps coming in the house and i keep putting him back in the front yard.) i cleaned and organized the kitchen blackboard/message center. Had phone sex with Sir - twice. :-)

i've decided that i need to commit to getting up early. i complain that i don't have time to get stuff done and... Well, maybe the only way there'll be enough hours in the day is if i get up at 5:30 am. (it seems to work for slave catherine, so i MUST give it a try) i'd like to start working on the Book Of Hours that i have. (don't worry, it's Pagan. No that i have anything against following a Catholic one, i just don't want my faithful readers to think that i've gone over to the 'other side! *grin*) i have never been an early riser - i wonder if my mother would have told me that i slept thru the night and well in to the morning even as a baby? This is going to be tough but infinitely worth it.
Another plus side was that there was no puppy wrangling when i left for work - they were so tired from running around for almost three extra hours that they happily went to their crates for some breakfast and a nap. Nice!
my calf still hurts!

Sir sent me these beautiful flowers today at work. Funny how everyone asks: Is it your birthday? Anniversary? No and No.... Then they ask Did you guys have a fight? No. The next thing out of everyone's mouth is "uh oh! He must have done something wrong!"

Why can't the Man send me flowers? Like His card to me said "Because I wanted to."

i haven't done anything 'wrong' when i sneak little treats (pocky, bottle caps candy and sometimes a toy or two) into His brief case. And i don't think anyone thinks it's weird if a woman does that for "her Man."

i'm going to stop worrying what other people think and just enjoy the spicy smell of these beautiful mums!

date night???

Sir took me out for 'date night' tonight. We went out for pizza (a rarity for me) i got 'grandma pizza' which was basically pizza margarita - very fresh mozzarella cheese! Bravo!
Then we scuttled over to Cold Stone Creamery for some amazing ice cream. Sir got cake batter flavored ice cream with white chocolate chips, coconut and rainbow sprinkles mixed in. i got cinnamon ice cream with heath bar mixed in. Those girls mixing the ice cream in by hand are going to have arms like fiddler crabs by the end of the summer.
The ice cream was so rich that neither of us could finish ours (and we only got mediums!) so, they're stored in the freezer waiting for tomorrow after work. (or my breakfast...)
Then, some post ice cream sex and we got busy writing anther presentation. Relaxing and creamy evening.
The dog are both hiding out since we're having a huge thunderstorm here. Tay keeps hiding under my skirt. That might work better if he wasn't 65 lbs! Sigh! big baby!

Dog pee

OK - faithful readers:
i have a dilema here. Someone has peed in my bed two nights in a row. SIr says it wasn't Him and i know it wasn't me....so that leaves the two other free roaming critters, LiLu and Taybor. (i'm fairly sure it's LiLu whose doing it.)

Does anyone have any tips or ideas as to why they are peeing in my bed? Sir says that they're trying to dominate me. Baz used to pee in my bed if he was angry - i.e. if he'd been punished for something or he'd do it after we came back from a trip, kind of a "Ha, welcome home you traitors" kind of way. These two have nothing to be pissed off at.

So, i am off to wash all my bedding... again. i think i'm going to have to start rolling up my futon each day, which is really a pain since i used western style blankets. There's a lot to reassemble before sleep. And it's darn heavy to move around.

Crap.

It's all happening at the Zoo

HSL went to the Bronx Zoo on Saturday! Fun times, great weather, not too crowded and lots of baby animals. Here's a picture of a non-baby animal, a beautiful Silver back Gorilla. Awesome!








And a Poison Arrow Frog. (i'm sorry, but i just want to put it in my mouth - he looks delicious....)














And some butterflies posing for me in the butterfly house....(ok, the first one is actually a moth)

Work

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

What a work week! Good Grief! i'm to the point where i am going to have to literally take a hand truck load of paperwork to my boss tomorrow and ask him to prioritize it for me. What do you want done first? This pile or that one? Or maybe this third one? Argh!

We have this running joke when we are over worked that we should stick a broom up our asses so we can sweep as we run around like chickens with our heads cut off. It used to be funny. It's not so amusing any more.

Next week i have an all day training, plus getting ready to visit my clients - on top of this new, crazy work load that's suddenly appeared. i need a day off.

On the bright side, i just got 6 yards of fabulous camo material to make skirts n stuff. Now if only i had time to work on that......

Where's that darn Yoga mat?

Hastily assembling my yoga mat collection. Do you think i've ever used them for actual yoga? Nope....i have the DVD's and VHS tapes.....The props and the straps... Even some yoga pants and a yoga zone tank top. Unused.
Where's my yoga mat now? It's under my bed on the floor, being used for it's non-skid capabilities to keep my bed from sliding out the door on the laminate floor. i have to pull it out from there tonight since Sir and i are off to a class tonight.
i've been begging to go to a class together for... Well, let's not discuss that - let's just say it's been a long time. i think Sir will be a natural with it - as He is with all physical activities.
i'm not worried about keeping up with Him - it's a non-competitive sport, after all. But before i got sick i was super flexible in a 'look, i can put my feet behind my ears' kind of way. The steroids i had to take shorten the tendons so all my flexibility took a long trip to the Land of Things that Were Long Ago. i was also about 30 pounds lighter pre-steroids. i'm afraid i'll be disappointed with myself and get bummed out about how much flexibility i've lost. But i have to keep being positive. i lost a lot of strength too, but i've worked up to the point where i am now stronger than before i got sick. i just have to be persistent and i'm sure i'll be successful.
Remember my motto as i tell the dog "Patience in all things!" and away i go......

she's making a list, she's checking it twice....

Saturday Sir is taking me for our annual pilgrimage to Mitsuwa market. i'd love to go there more often, but believe me - i'm grateful to get to go even once a year. i've heard thru the grapevine that they've remodeled the food court, so i'm looking forward to checking out the new restaurants. i'm frantically making lists of what to buy so i don't forget to pick up some vital culinary necessity! (Gohan, ume, hijiki, daikon....barley tea.....Kewpie Mayo!)

It's practically 'slave barb celebrates her Japanese Heritage' week around here. First we went to the Brooklyn Botanic Gardens to the Sakura Matsuri. i also bought a set of Koinobori, traditional Carp shaped flags to celebrate Children's Day on May 5th. Yes, yes - i'm celebrating my inner Japanese child who was never celebrated when she was a kid. It's a re-claiming of sorts.
(the father 'fish' in the set is usually black - so Sir can "flag" black carp on Friday! i will be the red carp....the fisting fish?)

my father(Norwegian-American) didn't let my mother (Japanese) teach us any of the language or cook any of the foods. He was a pretty weird dude, if you ask me. Why marry a Japanese lady and then deny her heritage? i understand now that i'm a adult why she was so miserable and angry when i was growing up. Not an excuse for her violence, but at least i know why it happened.

She would only put her foot down at New Year's when she insisted that we have O-Mochi. Yum! If you were to mention mochi to me or my siblings, we would probably all still drool. :-)

Saturday we're off to Mitsuwa, where we'll both feast on good things in the food court and i will wander around feeling inadequate that i can't read any of the packages and guessing what the contents are on some items. Sigh... it's annoying but i try to look at it as an adventure. Maybe i'll get brave and try to eat some natto.....maybe not! (people either love it or say it's like snot. Yummy. Snot.Hmmm.)

Brooklyn Botanic Garden

Sometimes i shouldn't be left alone, because i feel the need to eat things that i shouldn't - like plants in the conservatory.  

Astounding!

Sir just emailed and called me to share His good news with me! He won yet another award at work. He is such an amazingly hard worker - it's nice to see that other people recognize that. i am blessed to have such an amazingly strong and dedicated guy as my Master and provider. Lucky girl! Lucky girl!

BTW - i am enjoying my new dog bed AND the new placement for our evenings together. Both are definitely instilling a sense of peace. Now, if i could just get LiLu and Taybor to sit still and not track mud over me, the bed, the floor..... then i'd be really peaceful!

i finally tracked down some heavier weight camo print material for skirts. i hope it looks right, i had to order it off the 'net - so the colours could be 'off'.

i think i had my first peri-menopause flash last night. i woke up - cranky, sweaty and unable to fall back to sleep. Pshew! i could deal with the flash, but the moodiness! Zoinks! i didn't count on that.

Hopefully if our evening goes according to Sir's plan - i'll be so exhausted that i'll be able to sleep through even a monsoon of hot flash sweat! :-) wish upon a star!

April

MISTAKES
ANGER
CONFRONTATION
TEARS
DISCUSSION
CORRECTIONS
APOLOGIES
ACCEPTANCE
GROWTH
CHANGE

INTERMINGLED WITH
PUPPIES!
WORK
BLISS
JOY
BENTO BOXES
BEAUTIFUL WEATHER
POP CORN

That’s my life this past month. i thought that March was hard. April has been harder –but not worse. Just harder.
i've still not set up my altar since we had to take it down during the renovation. i feel as spiritual as a can of peas and i don't know what to do to change that. i feel rootless.

The same sliding feeling i get from the new floor is how i am feeling spiritually. Like there's shifting sand underfoot. Un-nerving.

Sir has changed where i usually sit at night to a position closer to Him (still on the floor!) and is buying me a new dog bed to sit on. i had to give mine up to LiLu during her recovery and she's chewed it up a bit.
Perhaps the new location and new dog bed will reinforce my position and foundation? i suppose that's a very crunchy granola way of thinking about it, but it just might work! ;-)

i've done something with Taybor since he was a tiny pup, it makes Sir laugh every time i do it. If Taybor is really going crazy or being whiney, i hold his head between my hands, look him in the eye and say "Patience. Patience in all things. That is how the pyramids were built. That is how we will rule the universe." Usually he woofs at me and runs away or licks my face. Some times he looks at me like i am wise and actually know what i am doing.
Maybe i need to hold my own head between my hands and chant "patience. patience." Everything will work itself out the way it will, because that's just what the universe does.

long time no post

It's been too long since i've posted here. i just wanted to leave you all with a poem that i have on my desk at work that helps get me through the rough days. Peace!

LOVE DOES THAT

All day long a little burro labors, sometimes

with heavy loads on her back and sometimes just with worries

about things that bother only

burros.

And worries, as we know, can be more exhausting

than physical labor.

Once in a while a kind monk comes

to her stable and brings

a pear, but more

than that,

he looks into the burro’s eyes and touches her ears

and for a few seconds the burro is free

and even seems to laugh,

because love does

that.

Love Frees.

~ Meister Eckhart

(Love Poems From God: Twelve Sacred Voices from the East and West by Daniel Ladinsky)

Learning curve

Well, both dogs have learned how to hide pills under their tongues and spit them out. Since they get a total of 6 pills in the a.m. and Lilu gets an additonal squirt of pain killer by mouth... let's just say my mornings have been chaotic.
Taybor's newest game is to either:
A. pull Lilu's bedding thru the bars of her crate and then drag the crate around the room.
or
B. pull Lilu's bedding thru the bars and then pull the stuffing out of it.

Grrrr......

i've learned that you can not lean on furniture that has protective felt feet on the bottom of it if it's on laminate flooring. Whoosh! Maybe i can make some felt covered skiis for in the house and get a workout since i haven't been able to get to the gym for weeks and weeks.....

my back is feeling much better. It's amazing what a little resolving of situations will do for a girl's spine. Or is that her back bone? Hmmm....

i've not set up my altar yet after having to take it down for the flooring. i'm still feeling unsettled about it. i hardly practice my religion. Yet another Equinox flys past with barely any recognition. i feel like a fraud setting it up so it looks oh so pretty but it's devoid of any meaning.
i think what i'm going to do is not put back all my statues and stuff. Just a white candle. While i try to figure out what i am doing and in what direction i'm going. While i am seeking clarity.

Mercury Retrograde

Well, at least i have some idea what the hell has been going wrong this month. Apparently, Mercury went retrograde on March 2nd! i'm not a big believer in Astrology, but for the past 2 years i've been noticing that stuff does go wrong during that time - mostly things to do with communication, travel and of course, electronics. i am looking forward to it ending at the end of the month!

LiLu is doing great! She's eating well, drinking pretty well (she likes to be bribed with some home made soup stock, and i'm happy to oblige!) She's beginning to object to being crated, which is a great sign but it makes things so hard. We both feel guilty locking her away again. Even if we could gether to sit still on the couch, Taybor would be jumping all over her so it's out of the question. We just have to harden out hearts to her sad face.

i presented Sir with some additions that i'd like to see added to our contract. Nothing crazy, i feel. But protective of the property type clauses. We'll be reviewing later tonihgt, i hope.

She's HOME!

Our poor baby is home. She's the strongest, bravest dog i've ever met. The vet says she was trying to stand within hours of waking up from the surgery. She's got over 25 staples in each leg, her whole ass is shaved and she's got a morphine patch on her shoulder. So, she's very high and kind of slow. She keeps tipping forward, like the Grinch's dog, Max.

One week of cage confinement, only allowed out to pee and poop. We have to support her with a little sling under her belly, so i rigged up something from an old canvas shopping bag. i wish she could sleep in my bed, but she's got to stay safe in her cage.
Now the fun begins.... physical therapy for puppys? OY!

Always trust yourself and your own feelings, as opposed to argumentations, discussions, or introductions of that sort; if it turns out that you are wrong, then the natural growth of your inner life will eventually guide you to other insights. Allow your judgments their own silent, undisturbed development, which, like all progress, must come from deep within and cannot be forced or hastened.
Everything is gestation and then birthing. To let each impression and each embryo of a feeling come to completion, entirely by itself, in the dark, in the unsayable, the unconscious, beyond the reach of one's own understanding, and with deep humility and patience to wait for the hour when a new clarity is born; this alone is what it means to live as an artist; in understanding as in creating.
—Rainer Maria Rilke, from Letters to a Young Poet

Operation #2

i dropped Lilu off at the vet this morning. Awaiting a call from the surgeon....nibbling my nails and worrying......

i am just about ready to just plop my credit card down at a travel agent, any travel agent and book a flight to anywhere.....anywhere there are no dogs and no people who know my name. i could sell beer on some beach on some island. Yeah, that sounds like a plan.

WORDS

i've been doing a bit of internal work on myself and focusing on different words that people throw around a lot in M/s. One of them being transparency, however - most of the definitions i found on that word referred to “acetate”. Not exactly helpful. :-)

i particularly enjoyed the reference to the word "frank". It seems to me that that perhaps in my life, i am not frank enough. There's such a fine balance between being respectful and submissive and making sure that you are being heard and understood. Then there’s the old dilemma of “well, maybe i was heard but since i’m the slave, all i can do is present my feelings – i can not make demands that they be acted upon. ” So, Faithful Readers, how do you know when to stop addressing an issue?

Questions, questions……
For your reading pleasure, here are the definitions of Transparent and Frank.

transparent

One entry found for transparent.

Main Entry: trans·par·ent
Pronunciation: -&nt
Function: adjective
Etymology: Middle English, from Medieval Latin transparent-, transparens, present participle of transparEre to show through, from Latin trans- + parEre to show oneself
1 a (1) : having the property of transmitting light without appreciable scattering so that bodies lying beyond are seen clearly : PELLUCID (2) : allowing the passage of a specified form of radiation (as X rays or ultraviolet light) b : fine or sheer enough to be seen through : DIAPHANOUS
2 a : free from pretense or deceit : FRANK b : easily detected or seen through : OBVIOUS c : readily understood
synonym see CLEAR
- trans·par·ent·ly adverb
- trans·par·ent·ness noun

frank

Main Entry: ¹frank
Pronunciation: 'fra[ng]k
Function: adjective
Etymology: Middle English, free, from Old French franc, from Medieval Latin francus, from Late Latin Francus Frank
1 : marked by free, forthright, and sincere expression frank reply>
2 a : unmistakably evident <frank materialism> b : clinically evident and unmistakable <frank pus>
- frank·ness noun
synonyms FRANK, CANDID, OPEN, PLAIN mean showing willingness to tell what one feels or thinks. FRANK stresses lack of shyness or secretiveness or of evasiveness from considerations of tact or expedience <frank discussions>. CANDID suggests expression marked by sincerity and honesty especially in offering unwelcome criticism or opinion candid appraisal>. OPEN implies frankness but suggests more indiscretion than FRANK and less earnestness than CANDID <open in saying what they think>. PLAIN suggests outspokenness and freedom from affectation or subtlety in expression <plain talk>.

Operation #1

Taybor is back from being neutered. i can't help but feel a bit sad for him! He's not a happy camper right now. He's very..shall we say "slow".
There was some confusion over the cost of the surgery - he qualified for the $20.00 state sponsored neutering. They told me his bill would be almost $400.00 bux! What!? But we got that squared away.

And an FYI - Sir's computer took a bit dump today, so i don't know if He'll get it back today and be able to post. He might be incognito for a few days so, loyal readers - be patient!

The merry ol' month of March

When i was a freshman in High School i had an extremely traumatic series of events during the month of March. Things that left me with two black eyes, a bruised trachea, an assortment of broken ribs. Things that lead me to leave home and begin legal prosectution against my family - which eventually lead me to being an 'emancipated minor' living in my own apartment by the time i was 15, my baby brother and sister living in foster care.
March is still a shaky, painful time for me. Some years, it's better than others. 3 years ago in March, i was able to get in touch with Someone who helped save my life back then. (Although, some people would say He was the indirect cause of what happened, i know that isn't true. He did no violence, He caused no violence. my blood was on someone else's hands!) i found out He was happy, married, has lovely children - what a relief to know that! Between He and Sir sticking with me through all the family court bullshit and the trial, i came out a better, stronger person.
This year, it's hard. It's the hardest it's been for me in years. i keep reliving that beating over and over. While it was going on, i had to throw myself down a flight of stairs to get my mother to release her strangle hold on my throat. i keep seeing in my mind... her face right in front of mine, contorted with hatred, the bannister flying past our faces, the floor coming up fast beneath us....
There's just been no time for me to process all this raw emotion. There's so much going on right now, between Lilu's surgery and work and writing presentations and everything else going on... i just want to yell STOP! i feel like a woman in the middle of labor, who is so hurt and scared and exhausted, feeling like they just need to stop for 5 minutes to catch their breath. And they can't.
i can't.

So for now, i leave all my faithful readers to join me in blessing the three people who helped me make it out alive.
Jill Elijah, my lawyer. She is a beautiful strong woman and a LIONESS when it came to protecting me. Look where she is now! Damn, She is that good!

Jack B. my first love, who taught me it was ok and even necessary to let go.

And Sir, without whom i doubt i'd be here anymore.

All the pain that was inflicted on me made me who i am today. i am a damn lucky woman.