i am trying to figure out what i did to piss someone off. Every time i try to reach out to this person, i get cut off or rejected. 9 times out of 10, any email i send goes unanswered. Now, i know: email goes awry and sometimes people are just busy and they forget to reply and then a week goes by, and by then the email is lost. i understand that.
Whenever there's a get together for anything and i know this person is organizing it, i am excluded. i find out about it after the fact and people will either say : "hey, why weren't you at the________party?" and i'd taken aback that i didn't know the party was happening and of course, the person who asks me about it is terribly embarrassed that they didn't know that i'm in the "out-crowd". Or i hear people talking about a gathering and they hush up as soon as i walk in the room.
i just found out about another incident of exclusion (actually this is more than exclusion, this seems to actually be a back-handed dis-invitation) and i am really hurt by it. In my travels, i had actually been talking this event up, so i am really perturbed that it seems that i will not be a part of it and now people will say "hey, i thought you were a part of this?" and i get to say what? "i was dis-invited." or "they decided i wasn't good enough." or "i think, perhaps, they just don't like me."
You know, i'm not so different than they are. Yeah, ok, my hair is different and i like loud music and Master's Household is structured differently than theirs. But we're still traveling the same path. Or maybe they think their path is Higher or more elevated or mo' better than mine?
In certain circles, i am know as the "quiet one". In those very same circles, i've been burned by opening my mouth, so, yeah - i AM the quiet one. Why on earth would i open my heart and share my stories when my words have been thrown back in my face? And why on earth would i want to share if i'm rejected again and again?
i can not force someone to like me or to be my friend. It just hurts to be so rejected by someone who i looked up to and respected so much. Someone, who through their actions and the way they APPEARED to live their life, was actually a Hero of mine.
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i see now that i was mistaken in my Hero selection. i am grateful to this person for teaching me an inadvertent lesson in thinking that other people would have fewer human frailties than i do, i am grateful for the friends that i do have and i am so grateful to have a Master that loves me and orders me not to worry about the pettiness of others.
Whenever there's a get together for anything and i know this person is organizing it, i am excluded. i find out about it after the fact and people will either say : "hey, why weren't you at the________party?" and i'd taken aback that i didn't know the party was happening and of course, the person who asks me about it is terribly embarrassed that they didn't know that i'm in the "out-crowd". Or i hear people talking about a gathering and they hush up as soon as i walk in the room.
i just found out about another incident of exclusion (actually this is more than exclusion, this seems to actually be a back-handed dis-invitation) and i am really hurt by it. In my travels, i had actually been talking this event up, so i am really perturbed that it seems that i will not be a part of it and now people will say "hey, i thought you were a part of this?" and i get to say what? "i was dis-invited." or "they decided i wasn't good enough." or "i think, perhaps, they just don't like me."
You know, i'm not so different than they are. Yeah, ok, my hair is different and i like loud music and Master's Household is structured differently than theirs. But we're still traveling the same path. Or maybe they think their path is Higher or more elevated or mo' better than mine?
In certain circles, i am know as the "quiet one". In those very same circles, i've been burned by opening my mouth, so, yeah - i AM the quiet one. Why on earth would i open my heart and share my stories when my words have been thrown back in my face? And why on earth would i want to share if i'm rejected again and again?
i can not force someone to like me or to be my friend. It just hurts to be so rejected by someone who i looked up to and respected so much. Someone, who through their actions and the way they APPEARED to live their life, was actually a Hero of mine.
*************************************************************************
i see now that i was mistaken in my Hero selection. i am grateful to this person for teaching me an inadvertent lesson in thinking that other people would have fewer human frailties than i do, i am grateful for the friends that i do have and i am so grateful to have a Master that loves me and orders me not to worry about the pettiness of others.
3 comments:
"i am so grateful to have a Master that loves me and orders me not to worry about the pettiness of others."
WOW.. excellent words... tough to do when you feel you are in the middle of the muck sometimes..
I'm sorry this happened to you and you are feeling this loss and hurt.
I need to keep my mouth shut more and learn to be the quiet one. Thanks for reminding me about that.
love,
sc
My experience is that you can expect that sort of provincial critique from those who are not very bright, nor have much imagination or creativity. Such opinions should serve as a useful distinctive label for those whose perspectives are limited, and not to be taken as a measure of harmonious thought.
William (Once Corvus)
hmmm. it's shit to be in situations like that. people can be so full of judgement.
it's also shit to feel like you can't trust people with yourself.
i don't know you at all, first time on your blog, but i send you a big hug.
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