LiLu's out of surgery!

Lilu is fine! The surgery is done.

All four pins ( 2 in each leg!) have been removed.

Each leg had two large pins and two small pins. Both small pins were broken. (BROKEN??? my little girl plays rough with her big brother!) One of the small pins was not able to be removed all the way because of how it broke off in the bone. The Dr. doesn't feel that will be a problem because the pin is very imbedded in the bone.
No food tonight, just ice chips and antibiotics and pain killers and bed rest for 5 days. Then back to get her staples out in 10 days....i think i'm glad that i'll be at the conference and won't get to see her... i feel so guilty when she has to be confined but she's feeling perky and wants to play!

LiLu off to the vet

Here's a picture of a very unhappy pup! Poor Lilu was circling around me this morning, asking me as only a hungry pup can "why are you feeding my brother? where's my food? how come i can't have any water? why did put down to toilet lid so i can't have a drink?"
She should be up and around tonight if everything goes smoothly. i hope they don't find anything weird in her knees when they open her back up. The pins holding her knee caps in place were purposly left just a bit raised from the bone to facilitate easy removal - they migrate about 25% of the time, so they leave an easy out for situations such as these. i wonder how shaved she'll be? She just grew all her fur back from the last surgery! i wonder if they'll take out just the pin that's bothering her or take them both out?

Anxious dog mother awaiting news from the surgeon.....

Breaking rules

Yeah, yeah: not rules that Sir makes for me... my own personal rules. "Never switch hair colour brands before an event."
Totally Trauma Proof Hair Color  my ass!

i can't wait to get my hair cut tomorrow and Randy will cock his head at me, puzzled, and say "oh, you decided to go for a change? mmmmm... it's kind of... dark. " grumble.....i actually like it, but it's not what i wanted and it's definitely NOT what the box shows.

Lilu goes in for her surgery tomorrow a.m.
my allergies are wiping me out - my tonsils even feel swollen! ACK!

i still need to make time to call my Jack. i've been meaning to call Him back since TES Fest, but whenever i look at the clock it's too late at night to call Him. Damn space-time continuum.... If You're reading this - i will probably call You on Wednesday afternoon!

Busy Busy Busy!

 It's Contest central around here! Last minute wardrobe adjustments - taking in the waist on my "fancy" skirt, last minute belt loop additions to my Uniform skirts so i can wear the leather belt that i earned a while ago, boots are cleaned, leathers are cleaned (still need to clean my vest), busy assembling a triptych type display for the Sailing trip - that's coming out really cool!

i'm sure a million more little things will come up between now and when we leave on Thursday, but i'm trying really hard to make sure that at least dinner time will be sacred and peaceful for us. i'm planning a nice, very healthy dinner for the three of us for Wednesday night - so we can just chill out and be grounded & well nourished before we leave.

That's  it for now, back to the frenzy.....i need to clean the bird cage, clean the turtle tank, iron the hankies, pack my meds, find my glasses....

myspace

i am now staying the hell off of myspace. i following links of people/bands i know and i just kept finding person after person that Sir and i used to be good friends with have died in horrible drunken, drug addled puddles of vomit. The death count of friends who i didn't know had died (because we stopped hangin' with them because they were doing too many drugs, etc) is up to 3.

One the good news front, one person - who called himself Alcohol Bob, who supposedly moved to California to become a clown on t.v. - is now a fairly successful director and producer.

i'll end my looking for old friends on that note and try to stop feeling sad.

shrink wrap

Getting all the baskets ready for the auction. The stuff that is actually in baskets has been shrink wrapped. Who knew i had a mummification for inanimate objects fetish?

Thursday date night started out mundane - going to the mall to buy socks for Sir, we ended up at Barnes & Noble to buy some bed time stories for me and then home....
face slapping arm punching hot dirty piss soaked sex. Ahhh, ya gotta love an uninterrupted Thursday evening.

i'm off to take a bath and then i get to clean all of Sir's leathers in preparation for the contest. (plus the chaps, i love the chaps!)
Tomorrow night i get to do all the boots!

Update

i finally finished updating the last TES fest day.

Poor LiLu had another episode this morning. i am looking forward to getting her to the vet on Tuesday to get that pin taken out of her! $1,800 bux to put it in and only $150 to take it out. Grrrr......
Sir and i got a lot of the auction baskets prettied up and shrink wrapped. my pantry (yes, it's my pantry, kitchen is my domain!) looks like a closet of perversion. Baskets of leather goods, blindfolds, dvd's & videos, liquor and food baskets...... Yummy! Just a few more to finish up, the rest of the goods, art work, etc are being delivered in person to the contest.

my outfit for the onstage needs to be taken in at the waist! Hurrah! i have to get that done by the weekend so we can take some pictures next week. It's crunch time for the Hizzles!

More Good news - my dog is a grenade?

It looks like LiLu Dallas just needs to have her pins pulled out of her knees! Big relief! As far as us going to the conference and leaving her in the dog sitters capable hands - the vet said the timing is perfect. Since she'll be in lock down in her crate for most of the day while we are away, it's exactly what she'll need. Bed rest for dogs!

i do still feel bad for her. She's not limping but she's really subdued right now. Poor girl!

(But i do feel good enough to dance around to the new world/inferno friendship society  cd now!)

Bad things and Good things

Let's start with the bad. Lilu was following me in to the kitchen this morning - not scampering, not jumping around. She suddenly yelped and freaked out. i thought she might have stepped on something or gotten stung by something. But, no - it looks like somethings gone wrong with one of the legs that she had repaired. Unfortunately, i had to crate her and head off since i had a meeting with clients that i could NOT miss because of the time i am taking off for the contest. Ugh! i feel so guilty. She's got a 5pm appointment that Sir is taking her to. Cross your fingers and wish her the best - it's going to suck big time if she's got to have another surgery and we have to leave her with the dog sitter!

The good thing is on the way back from my clients, i got to stop at Vintage Vinyl and pick up the new world/inferno friendship society cd. (It's Sir's old band mates band) Damn is it good! Go! Buy it! Now! i am so freakin' proud of those guys! It was also amazing to pick up the cd and have the cashier say "wow, another one sold" and i got the last one. They sold out by 1pm? Awesome! (i just hope the had more than two in stock)

Now, if only i didn't feel so guilt ridden over leaving my broken puppy home alone, i might dance around listening to the cd..... miserable, terrible puppy mother that i am....

Faith, Hope, Love...

Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase.

Martin Luther King, Jr.

i heard an interview on BBC Radio with a guy (i missed his name) who survived the London subway bombing last year. He was saying (i'm paraphrasing) that going thru this thing and all the rehabilitation to heal his body & spirit was an amazing experience. When else do you get to see the daily milestones of your progress? Those little things that mark the changes in your life? Yesterday, he could not take a shower unassisted. Today he could. Yesterday he had a panic attack, today he didn't.

Going thru the illness that i had, i hated it. But i actually befriended it and i realize now that i gained a lot more from it than i lost. Much more. i gained a voice. i gain freedom from my fear of death. i gained a great teacher, Susun Weed. Getting sick made me leap in to the abyss and ask my husband to be my Master at last. So, i lost my spleen? What's that in the face of losing my fear of death? Not much of a sacrifice. Just a scar.

Sir and i have gone thru some major changes in the past 6 months. It's been hard - some of the hardest stuff we've ever faced. We both made some major mistakes in communication. Hearing that guy on the BBC today made me realize that if we didn't go thru all this crap together, i'd not get the chance to see the magic of each day as we rebuild and reconstruct and reconnect. Everyday, the 3 of us get a chance to build a family the way we  want it to be. Is it easy? Nope, i'm not saying that. Is it fun? Well, some of it is - a lot of it is not. This is giving me the chance to open myself up to the possibilities that the universe has to offer me. It's given me the opportunity to reach out to connect to others, when i would normally would not.

Will i gain a couple more scars? Probably. But i like my scars and my marks and the stories that i have of surviving my past, coming out stronger in the end. We're still at the point where we are still learning the dance steps and can see the little daily things we do for each other to make this work. There's sacrifice on all our parts. i strive to remain with an open heart and put aside my fear.

i'm just starting to see that staircase now.

Updating

i've started updating/fleshing out my TES Fest notes.... i'll try to finish them up tomorrow. i can't believe it's been a week!

Work

Ahh, there's nothing better than having your boss come back from a 10 day vacation ,when he's left you in charge, and having your co-workers tell him what a great job you've done! Fabulous! That made me feel really great!
Then i got a call from my big pharmaceutical client and they reamed me out for a minor mistake that i made. Oops! Nothing like a little shot of humility to smooth out a slave's ego....

4th of July

i was so hoping to get to relax on Tuesday and recover from the weekend. We ended up being as busy as every, returning phone calls, answering emails and putting together the dollar amounts for the auction basket for the Contest. i knew that we had a huge pile of donations and things that the Household had assembled - but i had no idea what the value was. *clears her throat* i am VERY pleased! We've got some very generous friends in this Community!

All i can say is for the people that read this blog, bring your money for the auction!
Yes - there's a weekend sailing trip on the coast of Maine with a fabulous M/s couple, with Amtrak tickets to get you there. Anyone up for some play on a yacht? Make Your slave swab the decks? Walk the plank? :-) The Cane Mutiny? This trip sounds so hot that i want to bid on it!

We're still waiting on a few items that were promised and a few that we haven't been able to pick up yet. That stuff should be done this coming weekend. A few people are bringing their donations to the event. (some HOT original art work!) This is so exciting! It's truly heartening to me to see and feel so much support.

Whenever i start to get worried about the little things that slaves worry about, i try to remember how much love i'm getting from not just my Master but from those around me and that, win or lose - there will be a lot of supportive arms to catch me when i collapse at the end of the contest! ;-)
(Hopefully some of those arms will be wielding pokey things and canes in my direction...)
The Contest countdown continues.....

TES Fest Monday - Last Day....

OK, really - no sleep last night. At all! :-) but i mean that in a good way....

• Dogs running wild - poor puppies are so mad from being in lock down and even when we are home, they've been kept out of the living room so they aren't pouncing on sleeping guests. There's going to be hell to pay when we are finally really home!
  
• TES BBQ - We got to enjoy the bbq. Man was it hot out there! The food was pretty good, but once again: good conversation with friends made it better. i got to speak more to Firefly (i love him!) and Master Jack, always a pleasure to spend time with.
  
• Pony Show - instead of classes, we went to the Pony show! YAY! Ponies! That was fun.
  
• Hanging with friends - more hanging with friends. i really felt like this was almost a vacation, my last hurrah before throwing myself in to the contest preparation frenzy.
  
• A phone call from my past! - i headed in to the bathroom before we were going to gather our class notes and collect ourselves. *ring* it's my cell phone. Who the hell could be calling me? It was my friend Jack, the long lost voice from the past. What an absolute heart stopper it was to hear from Him. Once again, conversation picked up where we left off and He said exactly what i needed to hear. After we spoke briefly and He promised that yes, it was ok for me to call Him anytime i needed help - He said two magic words (which i will not reveal here or probably ever, they're the same ones that Sir uses on me to settle me down and i never told Him about that!) and said good bye. i hung up and burst in to tears in the middle of the parking lot. i was bawling my eyes out, but i felt great. Some people are just such magic!
  
• Some poking of my thigh bruises.... so after i bawled my eyes out i settled down and got my thigh bruises poked by someone. Now i'm really feeling great! :-)
  
• Some flirting with someone else....Went inside to vending and got some awesome bear hugs and some flirting done. my day is just getting better and better.
  
• Our class on Worthy Mastery/Worthy slavery - Well, by 5pm on last day, there's not a lot of wide awake people left. But we had about 10 high quality people in the room, asking great questions and had a very interactive class. i know i certainly ended up be blown away by how well it went.
  
• Great conversation afterwards - met 2 local people and man oh, man - do i love those 2 guys from Texas! - We ended up hanging around for about a half an hour after the class talking with the 2 guys from Texas, who i am madly in love with, and two local people who we are planning on having dinner with after the contest.
  
• Home - clean up, dogs gone wild and happy! - i drove home alone, cranked the stereo (world/inferno again) and drove f*a*s*t, elated, exhilarated and so happy to be home. We three of us, cleaned up the house, played with the pups and ate all the leftovers from Thursday night.
  
• and then...... a few hours later, off to an exhausted and well deserved dreamless sleep.
  

TES Fest Sunday

• What day is it????: woke up with no idea what day it was... still slightly damp and really sore! But a good sore, in all the right places. Plus, why didn't anyone tell me that Tops worked so darn hard? :-)
  
• Sir Stephen & slave catherine's class: Very well attended and Interesting. i don't get to see them present often enough. That's got to change. i love that slave catherine's confidence in public speaking is just through the roof!
  
• Lunch snafu: Far too much confusion on where to eat.....
  
• Our class & schedule confusion: HSL's class on How we changed from Vanilla to M/s - listed in wrong place.. so turn out was small but it was great. Lots of good questions.
  
• Dinner at Java Moon! (Yummy!): i am so diggin' on this place. There's another one near Sir's house so i will be going back again. Comfort food (chicken pot pie and smashed potatoes) totally hit the spot.
  
• Thunder storm & cool lightning: Huge storm on the way there and back. i saw lightning that was sort of circular, like a lasso. That was amazing.
  
• my turn for an ass kicking (ok, thigh caning): back to the dungeon for a thigh caning scene that i requested. stripped to jock, boots and a white tank top. Tied to chair, shirt cut off of me, me resisting all the way. Kicking until my legs were tied to the chair. Amazing how accurately i can spit even with a bone gag in my mouth.... Yum, yum yum...
  
• sadly, not so much flirting today! just a little.... barely enough!
  
• Home
• No sleep..... for many reasons..... many, many reasons....... :-)

Oh - and i forgot, this belongs on Saturday's post - amazing and generous contest support from a favorite vendor! Huzzah! i can't give details until it's firmed up but it looks like rather than a physical donation, we might be getting a % of sales at the M/s Conference for the travel fund!

TES Fest Saturday

• no sleep.....So really, i didn't sleep at all. Just layed there staring at the ceiling. It happens more than i like. But, no reat for the wicked. Up early, dogs crated and off to the Fest for an early morning class.
  
• adversarial play class: Sir and sparky's class. After their...scene? at South Plains, so many people were asking "what the hell was that? A fight? Are you His slave? Do you let Your boy talk to you like that? So many misconceptions on what their relationship was/is and what the play was about. It needed a class to explain it. LOL, standing room only and in fact, some of the people who witnessed it there in Dallas were there for the class! Hot! Lots of explanation, then an explosive 20 minute demo. Two goin shots to Sir, one, two, three rug burns for sparky. Fun. The best thing was so many people coming up throughout the whole weekend telling them "we went back to the hotel and re-enacted your class, we had a blast, thank you" that's very gratifying! Build a better pervert, indeed!
  
• lunch on the run... which building are the classes in? at this point, i can't even remember what we did for lunch....and we could figure out which building the next class was in! Oy
  
• 2 great Lady Catherine classes - One on super deluxe piercing and one on the 3 C's. Both great - i'm not a big fan of piercing. Having an illness that required a lot of blood tests and transfusions and my permanant i.v. port then that freakin' awful and ineffective (for me) WhinRHo chemo stuff - i just am not a big needle girl. HOWEVER - i am working to reclaim that for myself. SO as hard as the class was for me to watch, its part of the work that i need to do to free myself from my medical fears.
  
• quick dinner - unremarkable.
  
• flirting continues.....Good Goddess, if there was any doubt in my mine that i'm a sexual being and basically a slut for the right guy, that doubt has been removed from my mind.
  

• and some hot sweat licking.... damn. That guy is just too hot for my own good. :-)

• the take-down of Sir vrs. sparky and me....what happened? You'll have to check back for details! : Yes, that's right. sparky and i have been planning this for about a month. We let the Man think He was going to beat the hell out of sparky but, well - He hinted that He wanted it... we took a chance and He loved it. Tied up with His own belt, theatened with a stun gun, (He's quite a fighter, my Master is) beaten using His own techniques. Finally beggin to be put in the sling. :-) i went around begging some lube (thank to B & V for locating it for me!) A Man in a sling for the first time is a happy Man! That's my story and i'm stickin' to it! Who knew i could Top? me. i knew.... :-)
  

Home. Hot. Sex. All members of HSL satisfied and sleep deprived. and grinning like a bunch of idiots. The bed sheets are in the wash and all is well.....
headed to the shower and ready for round 3......

TES FEST FRIDAY

i'll be filling this in when i am coherent - probably on Wednesday. But before i forget my notes:

• work: it was awful getting up for work today, knowing that Sir and sparky and our guests were going to TES Fest without me. Luckily, it was really slow and we managed to get all our orders out the door by 3pm - by 3:15 i was parked and ready to rock! Sir greeted me with a huge hug in the parking lot. i love being greeted by that Man - He knows how to make a girl feel wanted! :-) Registration was a snap - very well organized and within a few minutes i was....
  
• bootblacking! OK, i was not bootblacking, but i was the recipiant of a wonderful bootblacking experience by one of our houseguests. She did a great job her 1st time out in a public setting.
  
• old friends new friends: It was great just chilling out by registration and seeing old friends, both local and not so local, as well as reconnecting with new friends. Zoinks! Such hotness! We also ran into a friend of Mistress Blair's that we haven't seen in a couple of years - that boy has grown into a vision of super cute hotness. So innocent looking but yet NOT! :-)
  
• dinner: at a local place where Sir used to eat lunch every week. They (the cute girls behind the counter) were happy to see Him. The food was ok, hanging with friends made it better.
• a great auction! i was looking so forward to bidding on someone - but with the opening bid i was blown completely out of the water. Oh, well. It worked out for the best. He went for a vast amount of money and i'm sure he got a great experience out of it as well. *snicker*
  
• a great beating with eye candy to boot! Off to the dungeon to get flogged, punched and kicked. As Sir was getting me situated, a vision of hotness set up a station directly in my eye shot.... sigh! So i get to be beaten by my super hot Master while looking at another hot guy beat a hot girl? It's just not fair the things i have to suffer though. *sniff* After some teasing back and forth between the two Sadists, Sir got down to business and i settled down to get a much needed thrashing. Then some delightful aftercare - Sir rubbed my hands and shoulders while sparky did my boots! That was great, thanks guys!
  
• home - dog pee on my blankets - again! Back home... the dogs must have been left unattended before they were crated because someone pee'd on my pillow and blankets. i got out a spare pillow (lumpy!) and a blanket and settled in to sleep on the floor as usual.
  
• no sleep........ and the Fest continues: not much sleep, too hyped up and no "release" for me....
  

the ITP anniversary

This weekend marks the anniversary of the i was first diagnosed with ITP - the weird red marks all over my body, the extreme bruising for no reason. The doctor fluffing it off with - "oh, just take some vitamin c, you'll be fine. ok, i'll do a blood test, if you insist. " The crazy phone call the next day to "get my ass in the hospital, now. Don't even go home to get clothes. Just go NOW."

i was so scared, i actually stopped for a cup of really good coffee on the way, figuring if i was about to get a death sentence, i'd do it with one of my pleasures in hand. Sir was SO afraid for me. i remember hearing Him and the Dr. whispering in the hallway about LEUKEMIA. WHAT!!!??? The extremely painful bone marrow biopsy (if anyone wants to see my tiny scar - just ask. i just realized this week that it was still visable) the awful platelet transfusion, which came after a long and scary wait because blood was in short supply over a holiday weekend..... watching fireworks out of my hospital window, hooked up to an i.v. - that was freakin' sad. (oh, not to mention that i started leaking spinal fluid from the biopsy and got really sick from that! Oy!) i wasn't sure that the diagnosis that i got was any better than leukemia, since i'd never heard of the disease before - scary stuff.

SO, here i am many drug therapies and 3 surgeries later. My Hemotologist gave me clearance to go forth and do what ever it is that i do (i was pretty out with him as a pervert) my counts are stable and i feel great. What a long strange trip it's been. If it hadn't been for me getting sick - i wouldn't have petitioned to be Sir's slave Interesting, huh?

i am a lucky, healthy girl!

Pre-TES FEST PARTY!

whoo hoo! Perverts gathering in their masses!
We'll have a house full o' people tonight, (ok, not FULL but 2 extra= 5 total) i am excited. i'm gonna rush home and whip up some:
Baked Ziti, salad, garlic bread, meatballs & sauce and a vietnamese noodle salad for the vegans in the crowd. (ok, i'm not a vegan - i'd just rather eat a cool salad when it's this humid out)

i'm off to lunch and when i return it'll be time for yet another party - ice cream cake farewell party for a retiring co-worker. Huzzah! Huzzah for ice cream cake!

Contact

What a crap week of work! Really! my boss hasn't checked in even once - which i guess is good because he trusts me to run the place without him. Or is it because he knows i'd yell at him about how under staffed we are? Who knows. i'd better get some swag from Italy or i'm going to be really annoyed.

i just mailed a letter to a dear old friend that i lost contact with. He has a way of settling me down with His emails but i think He's gone offline.... UGH! So i sent a real paper letter with a  stamp! i hope He replies. i hope the reason He fell out of contact isn't that His wife didn't like me speaking to Him. Or worse yet, that He really just doesn't want to speak to me!   i really want His opinions on some of the contest stuff, mostly with the emotional crap that i'm worrying about. He generally just tells me to shut up and stop being a goof. Doesn't put up with my nonsense - kind of a verbal face slapping on a hysterical person.  He's a good hearted man who stood by me (along with Sir) while i was going thru all my family's angst  and the family court abuse case and alot of other teen age drama. A good guy, that one.

boo boo

OK, so my pinkie is not broke, just squashed but my nail was ripped off and that really still hurts a lot! i hate non-consensual pain!

Spent many hours cleaning the house with Sir. It probably would have gone faster if the dogs didn't need to help. Every time we'd sweep up a pile of dust, they'd have to rummage thru it and look for goodies..... But the house looks great now. i love cleaning with my Master - we're crankin' tunes, i strip down and scrub the house while i'm shakin' my booty!

There's really only 2 days of work left until the weekend. i just have to get past tomorrow and Thursday. For Friday, i suggested to the warehouse manager that she get all the UPS & Fedex pickups as early as possible so we can blowout of there. Not surprisingly, she agreed. (i love being in charge sometimes.) i'm pretty well "out" with her, she knows i'm in to leather, etc. She also knows that TES Fest is this weekend and why i want to get there ASAP. She knows i'm up to no good this weekend! :-)

i'm going to go collapse and enjoy the sparkling house and contemplate a devious take down scene for the weekend. i need to put my head together with my co-conspirator and figure out some logistics..... be careful what You hint around about - You just might get it!

nothing like....

There's nothing like returning to work after a fantastic weekend and having a real turd of a day! At least i had the pleasure of being uncomfortable where ever i sat down AND i kept banging my bruised thigh on my desk. Ah, the gift that keeps on giving! *grin*

i just realized that the dead line for ordering Sir's work anniversary gift was closing in today - He handed me the catalog a few weeks ago and said "hey,  you can pick out anything you like from this catalog, the company's giving me a 10 year anniversary gift... by the way, I like the smoker/grill" So i just ordered  it up. Should be here in a few weeks. i am a total BBQ fanatic, when i have enough time to do it right.  48 hour marinades, 24 hour dry rubs on the ribs. Oh, yeah! (ok, so i don't eat red meat but i can live vicariously) i've only gotten to grill once this year and it wasn't so good. i have a feeling that that might have been the last time for this summer since we're going to be so darn busy!

ok, lilu just jumped on me, ripped off my pinkie nail and i think she broke my pinkie. signing off now......

Pride

And then it rained again! Sunday, up early.... quick breakfast and then i was FINALLY allowed to take a shower. Yeah, i needed that! :-) Quick ride in to the city...great lunch-freshly made potato chips with my sandwich, yum! (that's what the hip kids say now a days)

Tons of fun under the grey skies. A bit of play with my new playmate - i do like single tails, i do, i do! i like my life! i am a very, very lucky girl! (oink!)

It took forever to figure out where to get the train back to the car, but the trip home was fast. Great conversation on the Household, expectations, wishes.... Yeah, all great stuff. i repeat - i am a very, very lucky girl.
A hot bath, foot massages all around and off to bed soon. i'm gonna sleep like a happy piglet. 

Rainy days and Saturdays get me....

OK, So little Miss me - afraid to travel alone.... Headed out in the monsoon on Saturday a.m. Got to the ferry after much delay and drenching. Wow, did they ever change the ferry terminal since i was last there. Mom's ashes in hand, i stood outside and waited for the right moment. A lack of cops and onlookers, plus i really wanted to let her go when we passed the Statue of Liberty - since she' s the closest thing we've got to a Goddess in the harbor. Here's a picture of the salt shaker that my sister put my share of my Mom's ashes in. Yes, it's got a picture of a cock on it. (ok, Rooster if you insist)
i gave it some thought, i wished we'd gotten along. i wish her life wasn't so damn hard for her. i wish my father wasn't such a bastard to her. But i'm grateful that she made me the person that i am - a damn strong and damn capable woman. And then i let her go ..... Plop. She floated until that little shaker was out of sight. i feel much lighter now. She was a heavy burden to carry.

Got in to NYC, met up with a new friend and a newer friend. Got a great lunch, learned some stuff about my self that i already suspected and generally surprised myself. Several great hours later, i was in a cab and then back on the ferry - grinning like an idiot. Thank Goddess they sell orange juice on the ferry!

i drove home and went past the house where i grew up - the Pine trees that were planted when i was born are literally over the rooftop. Weird. Cool. The Japanese Maple that my mother grew from a seed that she brought with her when she moved here is just gigantic. That made me 15 minutes later than i should have been home, but all was forgiven. i came in to the house to see two fabulously happy people who greeted me with my favorite treat from Rita's (vanilla custard and mango Italian ice!) and a welcome home note on the door. The intrepid traveler returns!

i like rainy Saturdays. Can't wait for my next voyage.

The crack of Morning

Crunch Crunch *opens one eye* What's that noise? .... silence.....

Crunch Crunch *opens one eye* TAYBOR!!!!!!

Taybor stole Kyra out of my bed and ate one of her eyes. (Kyra, which means "ladylike" in greek is my stuffed rhino) The litle girl in me is severly traumatized! The eye is gone, no hope of reattachement. i'll have to make her an eye patch. Very sad and very angry. Sir just got Kyra for me a few weeks ago when i was really sad and having a tough time.

Plus, someone pee'd on my blanket again! Damn it! i think i'm going to rig up something with Sir's Folsom box that shock the pee-er when they do that. There's got to be a way.

Ok, gruel for breakfast and off to the gym... then off to ride the SI ferry and when... who knows? :-)

What to do?

Still trying to put together my "slave barb does NYC alone" day for Saturday. i'm not happy with any of the things that i've selected. The Circle Line? The Bodies exhibit at South Street Seaport?

Maybe just stomp around my old digs on SI, visit my old High School wander the grounds of Snug Harbor where i used to hang with my best buds (friends forever, we'll never be apart... haven't seen nor heard from in ..oh, 20+ years) But the thought of that is just too bitter.

Back when my mother died (Sept 1999) i didn't go to see her in the hospital. That we had a hatred filled relationship is an understatement, but i loved her like... a mother. She truly was the strongest woman physically and emotionally (by that i mean she was like a volcano of rage) My little sister and older brother had her cremated. My sister in a fit of perversity, split the ashes into my mom's salt & pepper shaker collection and distributed it to the siblings - since we all hated each other and couldn't/wouldn't share custody of her. i didn't want this piece of my dead mother. What the hell was i going to do with it? i've been trying to figure out how to get rid of it without being disrespectful, maybe i'll give her to the NY Harbor... there's along story about why i'd leave her in that particular place. It seems fitting to do it but i'm not explaining that here. Now.

Yes, perhaps releasing my mother to the deep blue to swim with the fishies, ride the ferry, hike up to the Seaport and then look at a bunch of dead bodies. How very Goth of me. :-)
Sounds like a plan to me!

testing and boots

i am testing out a new Firefox extention so i can blog from my browser window... should lead to more spontaneous blogging from work - if it works!

Sir just had me look up some pricing at work on a pair of boots. Boot Whore that He is, He needs something else for work.
He already has these
and these:

and these:

But now He needs these:

i have such a great job - Boots are just a side business here, it's a good thing they don't actually stock all of these in our warehouse or i'd really get nothing done. It was bad enough when we had one pallet of Corc's come and i was outside sniffing the cartons. So many boots.....*shiver*

So much for Yoga

Yes, Yes.... we started out having a discussion and ended up being over come on the sofa - so to speak. i do so love when Sir takes me shopping at Babeland. Plus some other stuff came in the mail today that apparently got Him all hot and bothered. :-)

So i made us late for Yoga and before we knew it, it was 8:30. (Yoga started at 8)

What a way to celebrate the Solstice! Happy Solstice to All!

Whacking off

Ok, so i'm enjoying the early morning wake up i've been trying to do. i've been about 60% successful in getting up when Sir does. i wasn't in the head space to follow through for part of last week, but today i was up early. Got a hot porno photo from Sir to my cell phone, which lead to hot phone sex with me, Sir and my Hitachi.... And then - Lilu hopped up on the bed and pee'd all over the blankets. Talk about a buzz kill (pun intended)
So, instead of the highly productive morning i was anticipating - i was washing the sheets and blankets for Sir's bed. Grumble. Maybe Lilu's thinking - "OH, barb's having sex by herself, usually the big dude pees on her... Maybe i need to help out here." Perhaps she really was trying to be a helpful dog. She really did look contrite - even as she was doing it. Sigh.

Off to Yoga tonight. Yay! i need it bad, my hips are all out of whack from standing so long this weekend. Tomorrow is dinner in the park and then i get to do Sir's boots - i hope the weather holds out and we don't have one of those typical NJ summer thunder storms at sunset. i really want to do His boots outside. :-)

Still putting together my itinerary for my solo day in the city on Saturday. slave barb does Manhattan - maybe i'll run in to some charming person or people to keep me entertained. :-)

Leather Pride Weekend

This weekend some one who i didn't know was a reader of mine commented that i don't journal often enough! Well, i'll try to do better - You know who you are! (if my faithful readers would leave a comment now and then, maybe i'd be more inspired...)

It was a really tough week for me leading up to LP. Lots of emotional stuff to work though. i'm proud to say the HSL is a bunch of tough mother fuckers, willing to do the hard work and dig deep. i'm proud of us all!

When we left for LPN, my heart just wasn't in it, but i ended up having a decent time at LPN and a blast at Folsom. On Monday Sir took me to Gunnison Beach where i had a great naked time and got sun burn in places that i never have before! After going there, i can't understand why anyone WOULDN'T want to go there - so much more comfortable and no sand chafing in the swimsuit. A perfect relaxing day - except for the biting flies (which bit me in places i've never had bites before!) i hope we can go back maybe in September, before it gets cold out but after the crowds of people think beach season is over.

Over all wrap up for the week - Hard work, Lots of flirting with someone :-) Hot leather Men and Women and Girls and Boys, a little sunburn, a few bug bites, some major relaxation and Oh, yes, a HUGE weight lifted of my shoulders. i am a lucky girl!

This Morning

*rustle rustle* open one eye... What's that noise? Oh NO! ... And before i can cringe one of the dogs jumped off the bed and right on to my calf. Ever been punched in the calf while you're sleeping? No? Well, good - for your sake, i hope you keep it that way. Let's not forget how big these dog feet are!
It hurt so bad that i was up and awake at 5:30, wandering the house , naked but for my slave jammies. i made a cup of tea and did some reading... Sir got up a bit later and released me and then i started on my day. (After we had some sexy morning activities)
What did i do before i went to work?
Let's see... i finished a purse that i've been working on for weeks. i made a kickin' batch of vegan mac & cheese, which i had for lunch and it was very yummy. i rescued a baby praying mantis from the hot stove (again! He keeps coming in the house and i keep putting him back in the front yard.) i cleaned and organized the kitchen blackboard/message center. Had phone sex with Sir - twice. :-)

i've decided that i need to commit to getting up early. i complain that i don't have time to get stuff done and... Well, maybe the only way there'll be enough hours in the day is if i get up at 5:30 am. (it seems to work for slave catherine, so i MUST give it a try) i'd like to start working on the Book Of Hours that i have. (don't worry, it's Pagan. No that i have anything against following a Catholic one, i just don't want my faithful readers to think that i've gone over to the 'other side! *grin*) i have never been an early riser - i wonder if my mother would have told me that i slept thru the night and well in to the morning even as a baby? This is going to be tough but infinitely worth it.
Another plus side was that there was no puppy wrangling when i left for work - they were so tired from running around for almost three extra hours that they happily went to their crates for some breakfast and a nap. Nice!
my calf still hurts!

Sir sent me these beautiful flowers today at work. Funny how everyone asks: Is it your birthday? Anniversary? No and No.... Then they ask Did you guys have a fight? No. The next thing out of everyone's mouth is "uh oh! He must have done something wrong!"

Why can't the Man send me flowers? Like His card to me said "Because I wanted to."

i haven't done anything 'wrong' when i sneak little treats (pocky, bottle caps candy and sometimes a toy or two) into His brief case. And i don't think anyone thinks it's weird if a woman does that for "her Man."

i'm going to stop worrying what other people think and just enjoy the spicy smell of these beautiful mums!

date night???

Sir took me out for 'date night' tonight. We went out for pizza (a rarity for me) i got 'grandma pizza' which was basically pizza margarita - very fresh mozzarella cheese! Bravo!
Then we scuttled over to Cold Stone Creamery for some amazing ice cream. Sir got cake batter flavored ice cream with white chocolate chips, coconut and rainbow sprinkles mixed in. i got cinnamon ice cream with heath bar mixed in. Those girls mixing the ice cream in by hand are going to have arms like fiddler crabs by the end of the summer.
The ice cream was so rich that neither of us could finish ours (and we only got mediums!) so, they're stored in the freezer waiting for tomorrow after work. (or my breakfast...)
Then, some post ice cream sex and we got busy writing anther presentation. Relaxing and creamy evening.
The dog are both hiding out since we're having a huge thunderstorm here. Tay keeps hiding under my skirt. That might work better if he wasn't 65 lbs! Sigh! big baby!

Dog pee

OK - faithful readers:
i have a dilema here. Someone has peed in my bed two nights in a row. SIr says it wasn't Him and i know it wasn't me....so that leaves the two other free roaming critters, LiLu and Taybor. (i'm fairly sure it's LiLu whose doing it.)

Does anyone have any tips or ideas as to why they are peeing in my bed? Sir says that they're trying to dominate me. Baz used to pee in my bed if he was angry - i.e. if he'd been punished for something or he'd do it after we came back from a trip, kind of a "Ha, welcome home you traitors" kind of way. These two have nothing to be pissed off at.

So, i am off to wash all my bedding... again. i think i'm going to have to start rolling up my futon each day, which is really a pain since i used western style blankets. There's a lot to reassemble before sleep. And it's darn heavy to move around.

Crap.

It's all happening at the Zoo

HSL went to the Bronx Zoo on Saturday! Fun times, great weather, not too crowded and lots of baby animals. Here's a picture of a non-baby animal, a beautiful Silver back Gorilla. Awesome!








And a Poison Arrow Frog. (i'm sorry, but i just want to put it in my mouth - he looks delicious....)














And some butterflies posing for me in the butterfly house....(ok, the first one is actually a moth)

Work

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

What a work week! Good Grief! i'm to the point where i am going to have to literally take a hand truck load of paperwork to my boss tomorrow and ask him to prioritize it for me. What do you want done first? This pile or that one? Or maybe this third one? Argh!

We have this running joke when we are over worked that we should stick a broom up our asses so we can sweep as we run around like chickens with our heads cut off. It used to be funny. It's not so amusing any more.

Next week i have an all day training, plus getting ready to visit my clients - on top of this new, crazy work load that's suddenly appeared. i need a day off.

On the bright side, i just got 6 yards of fabulous camo material to make skirts n stuff. Now if only i had time to work on that......

Where's that darn Yoga mat?

Hastily assembling my yoga mat collection. Do you think i've ever used them for actual yoga? Nope....i have the DVD's and VHS tapes.....The props and the straps... Even some yoga pants and a yoga zone tank top. Unused.
Where's my yoga mat now? It's under my bed on the floor, being used for it's non-skid capabilities to keep my bed from sliding out the door on the laminate floor. i have to pull it out from there tonight since Sir and i are off to a class tonight.
i've been begging to go to a class together for... Well, let's not discuss that - let's just say it's been a long time. i think Sir will be a natural with it - as He is with all physical activities.
i'm not worried about keeping up with Him - it's a non-competitive sport, after all. But before i got sick i was super flexible in a 'look, i can put my feet behind my ears' kind of way. The steroids i had to take shorten the tendons so all my flexibility took a long trip to the Land of Things that Were Long Ago. i was also about 30 pounds lighter pre-steroids. i'm afraid i'll be disappointed with myself and get bummed out about how much flexibility i've lost. But i have to keep being positive. i lost a lot of strength too, but i've worked up to the point where i am now stronger than before i got sick. i just have to be persistent and i'm sure i'll be successful.
Remember my motto as i tell the dog "Patience in all things!" and away i go......

she's making a list, she's checking it twice....

Saturday Sir is taking me for our annual pilgrimage to Mitsuwa market. i'd love to go there more often, but believe me - i'm grateful to get to go even once a year. i've heard thru the grapevine that they've remodeled the food court, so i'm looking forward to checking out the new restaurants. i'm frantically making lists of what to buy so i don't forget to pick up some vital culinary necessity! (Gohan, ume, hijiki, daikon....barley tea.....Kewpie Mayo!)

It's practically 'slave barb celebrates her Japanese Heritage' week around here. First we went to the Brooklyn Botanic Gardens to the Sakura Matsuri. i also bought a set of Koinobori, traditional Carp shaped flags to celebrate Children's Day on May 5th. Yes, yes - i'm celebrating my inner Japanese child who was never celebrated when she was a kid. It's a re-claiming of sorts.
(the father 'fish' in the set is usually black - so Sir can "flag" black carp on Friday! i will be the red carp....the fisting fish?)

my father(Norwegian-American) didn't let my mother (Japanese) teach us any of the language or cook any of the foods. He was a pretty weird dude, if you ask me. Why marry a Japanese lady and then deny her heritage? i understand now that i'm a adult why she was so miserable and angry when i was growing up. Not an excuse for her violence, but at least i know why it happened.

She would only put her foot down at New Year's when she insisted that we have O-Mochi. Yum! If you were to mention mochi to me or my siblings, we would probably all still drool. :-)

Saturday we're off to Mitsuwa, where we'll both feast on good things in the food court and i will wander around feeling inadequate that i can't read any of the packages and guessing what the contents are on some items. Sigh... it's annoying but i try to look at it as an adventure. Maybe i'll get brave and try to eat some natto.....maybe not! (people either love it or say it's like snot. Yummy. Snot.Hmmm.)

Brooklyn Botanic Garden

Sometimes i shouldn't be left alone, because i feel the need to eat things that i shouldn't - like plants in the conservatory.  

Astounding!

Sir just emailed and called me to share His good news with me! He won yet another award at work. He is such an amazingly hard worker - it's nice to see that other people recognize that. i am blessed to have such an amazingly strong and dedicated guy as my Master and provider. Lucky girl! Lucky girl!

BTW - i am enjoying my new dog bed AND the new placement for our evenings together. Both are definitely instilling a sense of peace. Now, if i could just get LiLu and Taybor to sit still and not track mud over me, the bed, the floor..... then i'd be really peaceful!

i finally tracked down some heavier weight camo print material for skirts. i hope it looks right, i had to order it off the 'net - so the colours could be 'off'.

i think i had my first peri-menopause flash last night. i woke up - cranky, sweaty and unable to fall back to sleep. Pshew! i could deal with the flash, but the moodiness! Zoinks! i didn't count on that.

Hopefully if our evening goes according to Sir's plan - i'll be so exhausted that i'll be able to sleep through even a monsoon of hot flash sweat! :-) wish upon a star!

April

MISTAKES
ANGER
CONFRONTATION
TEARS
DISCUSSION
CORRECTIONS
APOLOGIES
ACCEPTANCE
GROWTH
CHANGE

INTERMINGLED WITH
PUPPIES!
WORK
BLISS
JOY
BENTO BOXES
BEAUTIFUL WEATHER
POP CORN

That’s my life this past month. i thought that March was hard. April has been harder –but not worse. Just harder.
i've still not set up my altar since we had to take it down during the renovation. i feel as spiritual as a can of peas and i don't know what to do to change that. i feel rootless.

The same sliding feeling i get from the new floor is how i am feeling spiritually. Like there's shifting sand underfoot. Un-nerving.

Sir has changed where i usually sit at night to a position closer to Him (still on the floor!) and is buying me a new dog bed to sit on. i had to give mine up to LiLu during her recovery and she's chewed it up a bit.
Perhaps the new location and new dog bed will reinforce my position and foundation? i suppose that's a very crunchy granola way of thinking about it, but it just might work! ;-)

i've done something with Taybor since he was a tiny pup, it makes Sir laugh every time i do it. If Taybor is really going crazy or being whiney, i hold his head between my hands, look him in the eye and say "Patience. Patience in all things. That is how the pyramids were built. That is how we will rule the universe." Usually he woofs at me and runs away or licks my face. Some times he looks at me like i am wise and actually know what i am doing.
Maybe i need to hold my own head between my hands and chant "patience. patience." Everything will work itself out the way it will, because that's just what the universe does.

long time no post

It's been too long since i've posted here. i just wanted to leave you all with a poem that i have on my desk at work that helps get me through the rough days. Peace!

LOVE DOES THAT

All day long a little burro labors, sometimes

with heavy loads on her back and sometimes just with worries

about things that bother only

burros.

And worries, as we know, can be more exhausting

than physical labor.

Once in a while a kind monk comes

to her stable and brings

a pear, but more

than that,

he looks into the burro’s eyes and touches her ears

and for a few seconds the burro is free

and even seems to laugh,

because love does

that.

Love Frees.

~ Meister Eckhart

(Love Poems From God: Twelve Sacred Voices from the East and West by Daniel Ladinsky)

Learning curve

Well, both dogs have learned how to hide pills under their tongues and spit them out. Since they get a total of 6 pills in the a.m. and Lilu gets an additonal squirt of pain killer by mouth... let's just say my mornings have been chaotic.
Taybor's newest game is to either:
A. pull Lilu's bedding thru the bars of her crate and then drag the crate around the room.
or
B. pull Lilu's bedding thru the bars and then pull the stuffing out of it.

Grrrr......

i've learned that you can not lean on furniture that has protective felt feet on the bottom of it if it's on laminate flooring. Whoosh! Maybe i can make some felt covered skiis for in the house and get a workout since i haven't been able to get to the gym for weeks and weeks.....

my back is feeling much better. It's amazing what a little resolving of situations will do for a girl's spine. Or is that her back bone? Hmmm....

i've not set up my altar yet after having to take it down for the flooring. i'm still feeling unsettled about it. i hardly practice my religion. Yet another Equinox flys past with barely any recognition. i feel like a fraud setting it up so it looks oh so pretty but it's devoid of any meaning.
i think what i'm going to do is not put back all my statues and stuff. Just a white candle. While i try to figure out what i am doing and in what direction i'm going. While i am seeking clarity.

Mercury Retrograde

Well, at least i have some idea what the hell has been going wrong this month. Apparently, Mercury went retrograde on March 2nd! i'm not a big believer in Astrology, but for the past 2 years i've been noticing that stuff does go wrong during that time - mostly things to do with communication, travel and of course, electronics. i am looking forward to it ending at the end of the month!

LiLu is doing great! She's eating well, drinking pretty well (she likes to be bribed with some home made soup stock, and i'm happy to oblige!) She's beginning to object to being crated, which is a great sign but it makes things so hard. We both feel guilty locking her away again. Even if we could gether to sit still on the couch, Taybor would be jumping all over her so it's out of the question. We just have to harden out hearts to her sad face.

i presented Sir with some additions that i'd like to see added to our contract. Nothing crazy, i feel. But protective of the property type clauses. We'll be reviewing later tonihgt, i hope.

She's HOME!

Our poor baby is home. She's the strongest, bravest dog i've ever met. The vet says she was trying to stand within hours of waking up from the surgery. She's got over 25 staples in each leg, her whole ass is shaved and she's got a morphine patch on her shoulder. So, she's very high and kind of slow. She keeps tipping forward, like the Grinch's dog, Max.

One week of cage confinement, only allowed out to pee and poop. We have to support her with a little sling under her belly, so i rigged up something from an old canvas shopping bag. i wish she could sleep in my bed, but she's got to stay safe in her cage.
Now the fun begins.... physical therapy for puppys? OY!

Always trust yourself and your own feelings, as opposed to argumentations, discussions, or introductions of that sort; if it turns out that you are wrong, then the natural growth of your inner life will eventually guide you to other insights. Allow your judgments their own silent, undisturbed development, which, like all progress, must come from deep within and cannot be forced or hastened.
Everything is gestation and then birthing. To let each impression and each embryo of a feeling come to completion, entirely by itself, in the dark, in the unsayable, the unconscious, beyond the reach of one's own understanding, and with deep humility and patience to wait for the hour when a new clarity is born; this alone is what it means to live as an artist; in understanding as in creating.
—Rainer Maria Rilke, from Letters to a Young Poet

Operation #2

i dropped Lilu off at the vet this morning. Awaiting a call from the surgeon....nibbling my nails and worrying......

i am just about ready to just plop my credit card down at a travel agent, any travel agent and book a flight to anywhere.....anywhere there are no dogs and no people who know my name. i could sell beer on some beach on some island. Yeah, that sounds like a plan.

WORDS

i've been doing a bit of internal work on myself and focusing on different words that people throw around a lot in M/s. One of them being transparency, however - most of the definitions i found on that word referred to “acetate”. Not exactly helpful. :-)

i particularly enjoyed the reference to the word "frank". It seems to me that that perhaps in my life, i am not frank enough. There's such a fine balance between being respectful and submissive and making sure that you are being heard and understood. Then there’s the old dilemma of “well, maybe i was heard but since i’m the slave, all i can do is present my feelings – i can not make demands that they be acted upon. ” So, Faithful Readers, how do you know when to stop addressing an issue?

Questions, questions……
For your reading pleasure, here are the definitions of Transparent and Frank.

transparent

One entry found for transparent.

Main Entry: trans·par·ent
Pronunciation: -&nt
Function: adjective
Etymology: Middle English, from Medieval Latin transparent-, transparens, present participle of transparEre to show through, from Latin trans- + parEre to show oneself
1 a (1) : having the property of transmitting light without appreciable scattering so that bodies lying beyond are seen clearly : PELLUCID (2) : allowing the passage of a specified form of radiation (as X rays or ultraviolet light) b : fine or sheer enough to be seen through : DIAPHANOUS
2 a : free from pretense or deceit : FRANK b : easily detected or seen through : OBVIOUS c : readily understood
synonym see CLEAR
- trans·par·ent·ly adverb
- trans·par·ent·ness noun

frank

Main Entry: ¹frank
Pronunciation: 'fra[ng]k
Function: adjective
Etymology: Middle English, free, from Old French franc, from Medieval Latin francus, from Late Latin Francus Frank
1 : marked by free, forthright, and sincere expression frank reply>
2 a : unmistakably evident <frank materialism> b : clinically evident and unmistakable <frank pus>
- frank·ness noun
synonyms FRANK, CANDID, OPEN, PLAIN mean showing willingness to tell what one feels or thinks. FRANK stresses lack of shyness or secretiveness or of evasiveness from considerations of tact or expedience <frank discussions>. CANDID suggests expression marked by sincerity and honesty especially in offering unwelcome criticism or opinion candid appraisal>. OPEN implies frankness but suggests more indiscretion than FRANK and less earnestness than CANDID <open in saying what they think>. PLAIN suggests outspokenness and freedom from affectation or subtlety in expression <plain talk>.

Operation #1

Taybor is back from being neutered. i can't help but feel a bit sad for him! He's not a happy camper right now. He's very..shall we say "slow".
There was some confusion over the cost of the surgery - he qualified for the $20.00 state sponsored neutering. They told me his bill would be almost $400.00 bux! What!? But we got that squared away.

And an FYI - Sir's computer took a bit dump today, so i don't know if He'll get it back today and be able to post. He might be incognito for a few days so, loyal readers - be patient!

The merry ol' month of March

When i was a freshman in High School i had an extremely traumatic series of events during the month of March. Things that left me with two black eyes, a bruised trachea, an assortment of broken ribs. Things that lead me to leave home and begin legal prosectution against my family - which eventually lead me to being an 'emancipated minor' living in my own apartment by the time i was 15, my baby brother and sister living in foster care.
March is still a shaky, painful time for me. Some years, it's better than others. 3 years ago in March, i was able to get in touch with Someone who helped save my life back then. (Although, some people would say He was the indirect cause of what happened, i know that isn't true. He did no violence, He caused no violence. my blood was on someone else's hands!) i found out He was happy, married, has lovely children - what a relief to know that! Between He and Sir sticking with me through all the family court bullshit and the trial, i came out a better, stronger person.
This year, it's hard. It's the hardest it's been for me in years. i keep reliving that beating over and over. While it was going on, i had to throw myself down a flight of stairs to get my mother to release her strangle hold on my throat. i keep seeing in my mind... her face right in front of mine, contorted with hatred, the bannister flying past our faces, the floor coming up fast beneath us....
There's just been no time for me to process all this raw emotion. There's so much going on right now, between Lilu's surgery and work and writing presentations and everything else going on... i just want to yell STOP! i feel like a woman in the middle of labor, who is so hurt and scared and exhausted, feeling like they just need to stop for 5 minutes to catch their breath. And they can't.
i can't.

So for now, i leave all my faithful readers to join me in blessing the three people who helped me make it out alive.
Jill Elijah, my lawyer. She is a beautiful strong woman and a LIONESS when it came to protecting me. Look where she is now! Damn, She is that good!

Jack B. my first love, who taught me it was ok and even necessary to let go.

And Sir, without whom i doubt i'd be here anymore.

All the pain that was inflicted on me made me who i am today. i am a damn lucky woman.

Lilu

We got word while we were at South Plains that i am getting my little girl puppy! She'll be arriving from North Carolina on March 4th. i'm probably changing her name to Lilu Dallas. Here's her picture. She looks like a double handful of trouble, if you ask me. She's the same age as Taybor and is also an American Bulldog mix. i am so in love with that eyebrow!

i was talking to Sir about our canine history together. Every dog we've had together was brindle coloured in one way or another. (Either all brindle like Basil or part/mostly brindle like Chaos or Taybor.) So, Lilu fits the brindle history!

It's going to be a very busy and exciting weekend! i can't wait!

Heat

Ahhhh... blessed heat! i am so happy the heat is back on. The repair dude was so darn afraid of dogs. i know if you have a phobia, there's not much you can do to fight it - but you don't need to be rude to me.
As soon as he got here, he started backing away from the door -
"is that a pitbull?"
No, it's not. Not at all. Not a pit bull. Not one bit of pit in him. Really.
"well, other people like dogs like that, but i don't."
Dogs like that? You mean you don't like puppies?
"Lock him in the garage or basement or put him outside."
Ummm, i don't have a basement or garage and since YOU'RE going to be working OUTSIDE, that might be a bad idea. Besides, it's too cold out for Taybor to be out for more that a short period of time. And i don't take orders from strange men.
The guy refused to come in and out thru the house, so he went all the way around the house and of course, when he was done left the back gate open. i guess so the big bad puppy could run into the street and eat a car or something.
When we were trying to settle up the bill, i put Taybor in the studio and put up the gate. The guy asked "Is he safe?" Yes, my dog is safe from you, behind a gate. As soon as he saw the gate he literally ran out of the house cursing and refused to even come on the first step in to the house. He pretty much tossed the paperwork to me and ran away, truck squeeling.
Unbelievable.

But we have heat. So me and my big bad puppy are going to re-assemble the beds as they should be and bask in the warmth.
The End.

Gearing up

Getting ready for SPLF. i am doing some furious packing today since i am off from work. i am alos bundled up against the cold, since Sir's furnace broke Saturday night. Man oh Man is it cold in here! Sir let me sleep in His bed last night so we could combine all the bedding and share the warmth. Weird. It was really a treat but i do not understand how all you people sleep so high up! It's scary! :-)

i got an email from Taybor's adoption agency. They have a little girl, American Bulldog mix, same age as Taybor for adoption. She's even with the same foster dad. He remembers us and is really happy that she's going to be with Taybor and us. They're supposed to drive her up from North Carolina next weekend and i'll most likely pick her up (or she'll be delivered) on Tuesday right after we get back from SPLF.
Her current name is Spanky. i hate that name, Sir said i could name this one so i'll have to think of something.

Hurray! the heat guy is here... gotta go let him in, pronto!

Flooring!

Today Sir, slave boy chuck & i ran out to Dom Depot to look at flooring. They were running a good deal so... tah dah! We bought it! We took the underflooring home in sbc's tiny car and i rode in the back seat with it! At least i was well cushioned in case we got in to an accident. The rest of the floor will live at the Depot until we get back from South Plains Leather Fest.

For now we are in for the long haul with the big Nor'Easter that's dumping snow on the east coast. i can't wait to take Taybor out for his first deep snow walk tomorow!

Bad Dream

Sunday i had a horrible dream. i dreamed that we put Baz to sleep. When i woke up, i was totally disoriented. i looked up on my dresser and saw the green gift bag that i brought Baz's remains home in. It wasn't a dream.
i totally lost it and and freaked out, big time. What a horrible way to wake up.

i am having a hard time acting like nothing happened. Every part of my day was full of him. i can't even put down a snack for Taybor without remembering Baz's antics and quirks. Walking through the door at the end of the day is hard without having him wagging his ass to greet me with a toy in his mouth. Leaving for work is just as bad without having him standing there wagging me out the door and giving me a doggie kiss.

Ugh.

CAKE!

Here's a picture of the cake that Ross, Former Mr NJ Leather and all round swell baker made for current Mr NJ Leather Tom - 2nd Runner up in this years MAL! WHOO HOO! Good showing Tom! HSL is damn proud of you!

(And a hint for those of us with a sweet tooth - the SWEET TEMPTATIONS bake sale is coming up soon.... featuring fabulous goodies baked by Ross. More details to follow!)

Basil

Well, Mr Basil Dogbone is home. We got the call that his ashes were ready for pick up. i stopped in after work, i was fine - down right cocky. Until they handed me a nice green gift bag, with green tissue paper and a beautiful cedar box inside. We didn't order a special container, so i was taken back. When i picked up the bag and accepted the receptionists condolences, i was fine. Then the thought flashed through my head - He's wrapped up like the gift he was.

Then i lost it. Weeping in the lobby, i was howling by the time i crossed the parking lot to my car. i admit it, i was a slobbering lunatic, beating on my trunk and scaring the hell out of some guy who was just picking up his cats. He took one look at me and fled. Lunatic spinning around with a green gift bag, banging on car and mumbling something about "missing her 'pie". Oy.

He's now on my altar in the living room. my heart's aching all over again.

i miss my 'pie.

Perimenopause

Good Grief! i had a gyno appointment yesterday, just a check up. i had a few questions about being 'irregular' (like when have i ever been regular?) i thought maybe it was a side effect from being off the steriods.

Nope. Perimenopause.
Soon i'll be sitting with slave catherine, chanting "is it hot in here or is it just me?"

The Weekend

Weel, after the absolute crappy and mayhem filled week we had - we ended up having a great weekend.
Thursday we did the TES Queer SIG piercing demo. That went really well, especially since we had less than 24 hours to put together the presentation and make a coherent class handout. i had a blast!

Friday was chill out time and catch up on domestic things. Relaxing.

Saturday i ran around like a nut getting ready for the show. i think i tried on at least 50 outfits, so darn nervous. Arrugh! Would we get along? Would old wounds get re-opened? Would we have anything to speak about? The emails Pete/Jack and i have been exchanging seemed friendly enough, but you never can tell how it'll go in person.
Well, i have to say that i had one of the most pleasant and gratifying experiences that i've had in a long time. There's still a total connection there. It was as if there wasn't this huge time gap there. Conversations picked up from years ago, right where they left off. Sir and Pete/Jack bickered over music and hair and the usual things - i egged them both on! Nothings changed.
The rest of the band were an awesome group of people who i look forward to getting to know better.
It was a lot of fun running interference between his fans and blocking them from watching him change into his stage clothes! Ah, the life of a rock star.

We'll be getting together soon. i'm supposed to get a private tour of the MET (on a day the museum is closed!) in his company, that will be amazing to have that experience all to myself!

i am a very happy girl! Lucky to have such a good and true hearted friend to re-connect with. (and it helps that he's a leather & hot boots & sandalwood wearin' guy.) sigh!

Sunday i knew Sir would have no mercy on my hung-over tired self and i'd still be dragged to the gym. Somehow i woke up at 6:30 am. Feeling like a baby dragon used my mouth as a litter box. But still really flying emotionally from the whole night. i had am awesome workout, a few personal bests. Then a taxing day at Sir's Aunt's house to assemble some furniture. my old butt doesn't like sitting on cold tile while working! Ouch! Home to a nice meal of roasted chicken with rosemary and baby potatoes with lemon and garlic.

Fantastic! The week ended exactly as i needed it to, with some great communication with Sir and reconnection to a dear friend.

It's done

i swore i wouldn't post again today, but i wanted to let my faithful readers know that the deed is done. Mr. Basil Dogbone left this world at around 7:30 pm. Held safely in our arms. i am happy to report that he was as high as a kite and it was such a relief to see him feeling no more pain for a few minutes as we waited for the tranquilizer to set in before we administered the "final shot".

It's a blessing to be able to send him on his way in peace. i got to see Sir weep, a very rare thing. i told Him that i loved Him more because He was able to cry with me.

Taybor keeps looking around the house for his big brother.

The house is too quiet.

Today's the day

Sir and i have an appointment at 7pm to put Basil to sleep. i came home early from work to spend a few hours alone with him. He didn't get up to greet me, and at first i couldn't find him in any of his usual nap spots. Then i heard the thump of his wagging tail. He was sprawled out on my bed on the floor. He didn't get up but when i got on the floor with him, he was full of kisses and snuggles.

After a few minutes of snuggling he got up and made his way to the kitchen where he chowed down on all the snacks i left him this morning. Smoked pig ears, cheese.... a doggie delight! i fixed him up a bowl of chicken parts, brown rice and broth - again, right down the hatch. Slowly and carefully - but at least he's enjoying what he eats.

Taybor is being very tentative and careful around Baz. You can tell that Tay knows something is wrong. In fact, last night Taybor walked out of the living room and went on Sir's bed to eat a rawhide. He never does that. He always wants to be where we are, but i think the tension is too much.

i feel so horrible saying this but i want this to be over. For Basil's sake and Taybors. So we can move on. i don't mean so that i can forget or so my pain will be less. It's just that there's such a spector of death here and the pain is just radiating out of all 4 of us. It hurts to breathe.

Ugh. i don't even know what i'm saying. i'm going to go rumpus with Taybor for a while and then try to nap in the sun patch with Basil for the last time. my nap buddy, he loves to snuggle for an afternoon nap with me.

Mr Basil

Well, if you've been keeping up with Sir's journal, i'm sure you know by now that Baz has taken a major turn for the worst. He's hurting internally, he's being very snappy with Taybor. He's just not a happy dude. It hurts my heart to see him wanting to play, he runs (slowly) to get a toy and engage Taybor in a tug of war, but as soon as Tay touches him - he freaks out and is definitely in pain.

i'm cooking up some good snacks for him (gizzards and livers and other doggie things) so he can have some good meals. i hate to feel like i'm making him his "last meal" but really, if we must "put him to sleep" this week (and i have a feeling that we will) then i want him to enjoy his favorites. He's going to have all the cheese and biscuits and chicken liver that he wants.

It's just so hard to know exactly when the right time is. He can't tell you that he's done and had enough. It's always guess work. In the past, i think we sometimes waited too long in prolonging our pets lives - and that's just selfish on our part because we don't want to say good bye.

When we had to put our dog Chaos to sleep (the first pet we had together) it was so hard. Our vet actually sighed with relief and said we were doing the right thing, finally. That made me feel horrible, but i totally understood what she was saying. He was not happy, not eating and it was past time to do what needed to be done.

My little Pippin, sweet ferret, was blind & bald and going deaf - but each day was a joy to her and blind and weird looking as she was, showed that she was enjoying life right until the end. The decision to end her life was clear cut and easy to make, although not easy to carry out.

It's tough. With each pet death, i ask myself why we continue to share our lives with animals that will obviously die before we probably will. No easy answer for that one. They've become such a part of my life that i'll never be with out a dog. Nothing can ever come close to the feeling i get when no matter how long i'm gone - if i am gone all day at work or just ran out for 1 minute to get the mail - i get the same greeting. As if i am really the center of the Universe and they are so darn happy to see me. Maybe that's totally narcissistic, but who cares?

Dogs have taught me more about unconditional love that almost any human ever has. That, i think, makes the grief in their passing worth suffering through.

spiffy

Here's a picture of me with my spiffy new glasses that Sir picked out for me. i very rarely wear glasses in public - they're really to get me from bed to the bathroom, so i can put in my contacts. But these i like so much, i might actually wear in public!
(Did i mention how much i love blogging from the cell phone camera that Sir got me for xmas?)

Oy what a week!

One of my co-workers got canned, my boss is cranky, everyone here is out of sorts - it's like there's some mildly poison gas here and it affecting everyone's mood. Icky. i hate it!
Sir's having about the same week that i am - lots of poisonous backstabbing corporate bull going on there. It's not a full moon or anything! Damn!

i have to say that i look so forward to coming home each night. More so when we've had days like this. Even if Sir's withdrawn and not able to talk about how rotten the day was, we're still in a circle of self imposed peace at home. OK, so the dogs are growlin' and bickering, but still - i'd rather listen to dogs bickering over toys than people doing the same thing over even more ridiculous things. At least when the dogs are at it, it's over a good prize like a piece of cheese or a soft cushion. Humans bicker over status and that's just stupid!

Sunday Sir and sbc will be at MAsT NY (the men's group)so me and my vagina will stay home and play in the studio and do some cookin'. Maybe watch some crusty costume drama that Sir hates. Sounds like a nice man-free day!

That's all for now, i have to lock up the office and head home to meet Sir. Then we're off to pick out some swanky eye glasses for me. Not that anyone will ever see me in them, they're strictly to get me from my bed to the bathroom where i can insert my contacts. But my old ones are over 6 years old and not even close to the correct prescription.
Then it's home for QUALITY TIME - popcorn (real popcorn, cooked on the stove, with real butter!)and movies and snuggling. Hopefully the dogs will settle in and be quiet. Although, Basil and Taybor have a fondness for popcorn! So there may be some bickering! :-)

alpha?

What a busy weekend! i feel like i was beaten up and fucked almost to death. Oh, wait - i was!

Friday's DSF presentation went really well. Although, i still could only hear myself speaking as 'whaa whaa whaa' in my own head - apparently i spoke clearly and made sense. Except the comment about Sir being like planet earth. Whatever - so i lost my mind! It took well over an hour after the presentation to finally answer all the personal, private questions that people wanted to ask but weren't comfortable asking in front of the whole audience. Since i was called Sir's alpha slave in front of so many witnesses - repeatedly, i guess it must be true!

We got down to playing and i got my ass beat. Excellent. i haven't had a good thrashing like that in a long time. Still, not one mark on me! my platelet count must be well over 300,000 right now. Nice!

Got to hang with Mr. s and sbc all weekend. That was cool! sbc was so helpful the whole weekend. i am beginning to really depend on him to help me and it's really a joy to have him around. Mr. s was his usual feisty and extremely pleasant self. One cool dude, truly.

Saturday was the central NJ MAsT Meeting. Very cool - nice turn out. Sir and i got to do another 'presentation' or actually a stapling demo. i thought i'd be the demo bottom - but some one else ended up in the chair *grin* and did VERY VERY well! What a brave little dirty girl! So i got to be helpful nurse barb and i must say i had fun speaking on what was going on, how it felt, what could go wrong, and how much fun it can be!

Sunday i had my art class with Debbie Tlach (an example of her work)- i white knuckle drove down to the studio - man, the roads were bad from the ice storm. i kept thinking i should turn around and go home, so many accidents on the road - but i was determined to get there. As it turned out, 20 women drove thru that crap to get there, not one person stayed home.

Fun class - over crowded but i learned a lot of new techniques and had a blast. One really weird thing happened. A woman walked in and i did a double take because i could have sworn that i knew her. She came right up to me and said -" i know you. From where?" i said ' i don't know, but i think your name is Ruth" and it was! We spent the next 6 hours of class time, trying to figure it out. i think it really freaked us both out quite a bit. Very strange.

i also got to help out during this class with a lot of the basic technique. It was more of an advanced polymer clay class and i've done a ton of sculpture with that medium before. So i helped people with the basics, some knot work to finish the jewelry, how to use a dremel tool, etc. i surprised myself with how much i already knew. (i was also surprised at how unprepared for an advanced class people were, but hey - at least they showed up and tried!)

I came home with new tools for my studio, new techniques to try out and a new found confidence in my skills.

Three presentations/demos in one weekend. Pshew! i need a rest!

busy busy busy

SO darn busy this week. i had a great day on the road, visiting my clients. Got some great news - they were bought out by an Icelandic company and i was sure we'd loose the business but i got word today it looks like we keep it AND get another location or two. i have top put together a presentation and kiss some major butt, but it looks good for us! Go Iceland!

just a few days to our presentation at Paddles - i am totally NOT looking forward to it because, there's no prep that can be done. AND i am all about being prepared, reading up, writing down, rehearsing. Ick - no practice? Unheard of. Absurd.

Then the blessed weekend and Sunday is my art class. Hands on! With a renowned artist who has invented a bunch of crazy products for us to get our hot little hands on. YAY! It's been a while since i've done any works in polymer, so i am a bit intimidated throwing myself headlong in to a class - but screw it! Judge my art? Feh!

Taybor lost one of his fangs yesterday. Sir found it on the carpet. It's so tiny! He's almost up to 40 lbs. OY!

NYC

Off to MAsT Metro today. Sir let me wear whatever i wanted to i got a bit decked out. Happy girly girl! YAY!
It was great to see Sir Stephen up and about. Oy, that bruise is bad!
Great turn out for the meeting and i got some really fab birthday gifts. Thanks folks! It was so awesome to see giannis and Sir Eric and Lady Christie - i think i haven't see thos guys in almost a year - well, it feels like a year!

Good job by sparky and s.b.c. in re-organizing the collection of meeting fees and sign in. i think that'll work out well. It should be less disruptive for late comers and make the meetings a bit smoother.

Well, i've stretched my birthday out to 3 solid days - let's see if i can make it one solid month! i am still 'owed' a birthday dinner by Sir's Aunt.... a massage at spa from Sir..... a hands-on art class next Sunday....a concert at the end of the month...Yep, i think i can drag this out to a full month! Go me!

Cold again

Since i came down with yet another cold we didn;t head to the Leather Bar night, instead we stayed home and i rested. OK, actually we watched t.v. and had a lot of birthday sex..... However, slave boy chuck went to the bar night to represent the household and - wow, so many people got me gifts and cards! Pup and Amy got me some awesome cool stuff (yes, i am a sock fiend!!! WOW!) and Sal, Dion and Ton got me some gorgeous flowers! To all - THANK YOU VERY MUCH! it blew me away when sbc came over with arm loads of gifts and flowers today. i really feel loved! sbc got me some really cool Japanese bowls and an Amaryllis. i feel like a Queen.

Today is major catch up day here. We took the tree down and all the decorations. Sad - but Sir is gracious enough to wait until after my birthday to do that. my father used to take that stuff down on my birthday and i always hated that.

i downloaded some of Sir's old band's music from i-tunes. Very weird to get Sir in download form. Weird. Weird! It sounds so good! i am blown away by their talent and remembering all the good times, traveling in the orange v.w. van - with the virgin mary (ask me about her, i'm not typing that story online!) Crazy fun times. Creativity and possibilities pouring out of us at all times. What a blast. i've had an exciting life thus far -i'm a lucky girl!

Catching up

Ahhh, my birthday. 39? Who woulda thunk it? Still crazy! Still weird. i love it!

i've been reaching out to a lot of people from my past. Since one of them is removed from the Leather scene, He's been able to give me astoundingly good advice. i really love that guy! You know who You are! i wish we weren't so far apart in distance but it seems like we've been able to pick up this conversation from 'lo these 20 years ago. Ahh, synchronicity.

The other person i've reached out to was very happy to hear from Sir Larry & i. We'll hopefully get to see him doing a show in NJ on the January 28th. i am excited and nervous about that one. It's always weird seeing people after you left the band that you were in. Most of the time it's like a bad break up with your boyfriend. Even if it was a mutually agreed on split, you can't really be friends anymore. You've just gone thru too much together. At least, that's how it seems to me. But who knows, it's been years and years so maybe wounds have healed and we can talk about old times and how much the youth of today have gone to hell.

i hope that's the case. i really want to stay in contact with those people who influence me, helped me grow, literally saved my life when i needed saving and made me care passionately about things. In fact, just made me passionate in general. ;-)

i'll toast You guys with some absinthe tonight and drink to our continued friendship. Sigh. Here's to Birthdays and old Passion. Keep on!

Later: as promised... Absinthe! The Green Fairy is loose!